Sometimes, I wonder if boys really do love.
The statement kept playing in William’s mind. For the tenth time tonight, he crumpled a paper and shot it into the garbage can in front of his table. He stretched himself over the cushioned chair and placed his hands at the back of his head. At least three hours had already passed but he still could not find the exact words to express his feelings. What particular feelings, he did not know either.
The statement appeared in an article in his school publication. The write-up, written by a “Ms. Lonely”, was about a girl’s painful realizations after breaking up with her cheating boyfriend. It aroused a controversy in the university, soliciting violent reactions from the boys. But William did not care. He was not at all interested with her melodrama nor did he respond the way his friends did. If not for an angry student-waitress, who felt victorious and who tossed the magazine right in his face, he would not have known such an article existed. Yet, after reading it, he was affected in some subtle ways, as if it incriminated him of his denial of love.
William stood, took his paraphernalia, moved out of the unhelpful kitchen and proceeded to the porch of the house. It was cold outside but a lot more relaxing. Whispering a contentment, he checked his watch. Eleven-fifteen.
“Maybe I could put down my thoughts better now.”
He sat down, produced a clean sheet of paper, and once again, began writing.
Unlike every other nineteen-year-old male, I never had a girl to whom I could say “Sweetie, I love you” in the truest sense. I guess I’m what people might call “loveless”.
Why I chose to be this way, only a few I think would understand. Why I always choose to set my heart aside is a mystery to people who know me. Please don’t think I’m a sissy, I’m not at all. I’m not hideous-looking, too. Well, not to brag about it, people consider me hot and handsome. They say I have a movie star appeal. And I do believe them! However, like every Don Juan, there’s a devil behind my good looks. I’m no angel! I have never thought of myself as being kind or decent or dreamy. Not even romantic (not until now I think!). Since grade school, my friends have all been the school pranksters….
William went on to describe his past nasty adventures – the murder of the neighbor’s fish, the piercing of the tires of the principal’s car, the burning of the Christmas tree in the town square. During high school, he had even spent a night in jail with his friends after a squabble with some mobsters in the street. William left that story to himself; he was not proud about it.
“She deserves a little space here,” he said….
To be continued....
Image courtesy of Soul Comfort Online.
